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"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure."
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"My diet plan: make all my friends cupcakes. The fatter they get, the thinner I look."
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"Relationship status: currently holding a relationship with my fridge. We're chilling."
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"Why don't scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!"
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"I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already."
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"If I got a penny for every time I thought about going to the gym, I'd be super fit. Rich, but still not at the gym."
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"I told my suitcases there will be no holiday this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage."
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"I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now."
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"If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you."
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"I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn't like it."
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"I have a fear of speed bumps, but I'm slowly getting over it."
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"My bank account is like a game of Tetris. Every time I try to fit something in, it disappears."
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"I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised."
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"I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know."
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"Life is like a bird. It's pretty cute until it poops on your car."